The Colbert Emoji Is Good For Almost Every Occasion

The Colbert Emoji Is Good For Almost Every Occasion


NOW, RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF THE
SHOW HERE, I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT SOME STORIES ABOUT
COMPUTERS PHONES AND TECH STUFF LIKE THAT. HERE’S THE THING. I THOUGHT WHEN I DECIDED TO DO
THIS WE HAD A REGULAR TECH SEGMENT ON THE SHOW THAT HAD
GRAPHICS AND EVERYTHING, CALLED “TECH TALK,” OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT. AND THIS IS TRUE. WE DON’T. AND THE FIRST TIME WE DID ONE OF
THESE SEGMENTS, BACK IN OCTOBER, I THOUGHT WE HAD ALL THOSE
GRAPHICS THEN, TOO, AND WE DIDN’T, AND I FORGOT TO ASK
ANYONE TO MAKE ANY. SO AT THE LAST MINUTE BACK THEN,
WE JUST DECIDED TO CALL THE SEGMENT DIGITAL-DOO
AND I PLAYED A DIGERIDOO. THAT HAD ELECTRONIC BUTTONS ON
IT OR SOMETHING. AND THE REASON FOR THAT IS
BECAUSE “DIGERI” SOUNDS A LITTLE LIKE “DIGITAL,” AND ALSO
BECAUSE I HAVE A DIGERIDOO IN MY OFFICE, WHICH I DON’T ACTUALLY
KNOW WHY. SO, AGAIN, TODAY, BECAUSE I WAS
MISTAKEN ABOUT WHAT GRAPHICS WE HAD READY, THIS IS STEPHEN
COLBERT’S DIGITAL-DOO. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S AN INSTRUMENT OF ENORMOUS
SUBTLETIY. NOW, I’M REALLY EXCITED TO TALK
ABOUT THIS STORY I’M ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT, AND I’M SO EXCITED I
DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE WORDS TO EXPRESS MY EXCITEMENT. LUCKILY, IT’S 2016, AND MOST
WORDS HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY EMOJIS. AND I USE EMOJIS SOMETIMES. USUALLY WHEN I COMMUNICATE WITH
MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER. I GENERALLY DON’T USE EMOJIS AT
OTHER TIMES. I ENJOY THEM, BUT I DON’T
UNDERSTAND ALL OF THEM. BUT TONIGHT I REALLY WANT TO USE
THEM BECAUSE I’M FEELING VERY HAPPY FACE. PARTY POPPER. PARTY POPPER. DOLPHIN. ONE REASON I’M FEELING SO VERY
DOLPHIN TONIGHT IS THAT THERE’S SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF THE UNICODE
CONSORTIUM. YEAH, THAT UNICODE CONSORTIUM,
WHICH I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE IS THE NONPROFIT
RESPONSIBLE FOR APPROVING ANY NEW EMOJIS. AND YOU KNOW ANY NEW EMOJIS ARE
GOING TO BE GOOD. THESE ARE THE SAME GUYS WHO
CAME UP WITH FIVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF BOATS, PROBABLY FOR
ALL THOSE SAILORS OUT THERE WHO ARE GETTING GREAT WIFI. AND THEY HAVE JUST APPROVED A
REVOLUTIONARY NEW EMOJI WITH ONE RAISED EYEBROW, WHICH, NO
LESS THAN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM, IS
CALLING “THE COLBERT EMOJI.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND IT IS AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE. THAT’S ME WHEN I HAVE JAUNDICE. NOW, THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM SAYS
THE COLBERT EMOJI CONVEYS “SKEPTICISM, ACCOMPANIED BY THE
CONCEPTS OF DISAPPROVAL AND MILD SURPRISE.” OH, REALLY? I’M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT. I WILL SAY THAT THIS IS THE
CORRECT SURPRISE– BRING THEM BACK. BRING THEM BACK. BRING THEM BACK. I WILL SAY THAT THIS IS THE
CORRECT SURPRISE-TO-EYEBROWS RATIO. This is MILD SURPRISE: ONE
EYEBROW. FULL SURPRISE: TWO EYEBROWS. MILD, FULL, MILD, FULL. OTHER MILD FULL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND TO BRING THIS NEW EMOJI TO MARKET IS NO SMALL FEAT. THE INVENTOR OF THIS EMOJI HAD
TO FILL OUT A 53-QUESTION FORM AND SUBMIT A 2,700-WORD
PROPOSAL, WHICH WAS THEN DEBATED BY THE UNICODE TECHNICAL
EMOJI SUBCOMMITTEE BEFORE MOVING ON TO THE OFFICIAL CANDIDATE FOR
INCLUSION IN THE UNICODE STANDARD. OBVIOUSLY, THERE IS A SIMPLER
ANSWER STARING US IN THE TINY YELLOW FACE. JUST PRESENT YOUR EMOJI AND LET
THE COMMITTEE VOTE THUMBS UP OR POOP. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND HERE’S THE– THAT’S STILL
KIND OF POSITIVE. AND HERE’S THE THING. IT’S SUCH A BYZANTINE PROCESS,
WE MIGHT NOT SEE MY EMOJI, OR ME-MOJI, UNTIL 2017, WHICH IS
FINE. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE. I’M SURE WE WON’T NEED AN EMOJI
THAT MEANS SKEPTICISM AND DISSAPOINTMENT DURING THIS
ELECTION YEAR. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ANYWAY, IT’S GOING TO BE GREAT. MY OWN EMOJI. YOU CAN’T BUY THIS KIND OF
PUBLICITY. AND FOR ONCE, I DIDN’T. BUT, I’VE GOT TO SAY, THIS IS
NOT THE ONLY EXPRESSION I CAN MAKE. I’M NOT SOME ONE-FACE PONY. THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM IS
WELCOME TO CREATE AN EMOJI BASED ON THIS FACE, OR THIS FACE,
WHICH I CALL TRYING TO BE POLITE BUT WORRIED THAT THE ELDERLY
RELATIVE YOU’RE TALKING TO IS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING RACIST. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) OKAY, AUNT RITA, YOU ADMIRE
ASIANS, BUT WHAT? HERE’S ONE I CALL “ELF EXPOSING
HIMSELF IN THE PARK.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THIS WILL MAKE A GOOD EME-MOJI. THIS IS “GIVING UP YOUR SUBWAY
SEAT FOR A PREGNANT LADY AND MAKING SURE EVERYONE SAW.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND FINALLY, THIS IS PRETENDING
TO BE SURPRISED WATCHING “GAME OF THRONES” WITH
YOUR SPOUSE WHEN YOU SECRETLY WATCHED IT ALONE LAST WEEK. “WHAAAAAT…? THEY KILLED WHO! NO WAY.” AS SOON AS THESE NEW EMOJIS HIT
THE MARKET, I’M SURE I WILL MAKE A TON OF MONEY. OH, WAIT, NO. YOU DON’T GET PAID FOR EMOJIS. WELL, I’VE GOT JUST THE EMOJI
FOR THAT.

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About the Author: Oren Garnes

4 Comments

  1. Cannot believe it is 2019 and on typing ‘Colbert’ I get this suggestion: 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 Now that is 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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