Meanwhile… Gender-Neutral Emojis Debut

Meanwhile… Gender-Neutral Emojis Debut


FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
OVER THERE WITH MY PANTS ROLLED UP, STOMPING THE BIGGEST NEWS
GRAPES INTO THE VELVETY CABERNET SAUVIGNON THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO TROMP
DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, MIX SOME GRAIN ALCOHOL WITH WATER AND
JUNIPER BERRIES, STIR IT ALL TOGETHER WITH AN OLD BROOM
HANDLE, LET HER SIT FOR LIKE THREE DAYS, THEN SERVE YOU THE
BATHTUB GIN OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT —
>>MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: IT’S GOOD FOR WHAT AILS YOU. IT WILL CURE YOU. MEANWHILE, MCDONALD’S PORTUGAL
HAS PULLED AN AD WHICH USES THE WORDS “SUNDAE BLOODY SUNDAE” TO
PROMOTE A HALLOWEEN DESSERT. “BLOODY SUNDAY,” OF COURSE,
REFERS TO A DAY IN THE 1970S ON WHICH BRITISH SOLDIERS KILLED
14 UNARMED IRISH PROTESTORS DURING “THE TROUBLES.” YOU SCREAM, I SCREAM, WE ALL
SCREAM. ( LAUGHTER )
ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN RUBY TUESDAYS HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR
THEIR HAPPY HOUR: “TRAIL OF BEERS!”
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND FOR DESSERT, TIANANMEN LEMON
SQUARES! ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
SEE, PEOPLE, THE PERSON YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT TO IS
McDONALD’S BECAUSE THEY STARTED THIS THING. I’M JUST DOING JOKES OFF
SOMETHING THEY DID AND I — MEANWHILE —
( LAUGHTER ) —
HUNDREDS OF NEW EMOJIS HAVE JUST BEEN RELEASED BY THE GOVERNING
BODY OF EMOJIS THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM. SORRY, I SAID THAT INCORRECTLY. IT’S ACTUALLY PRONOUNCED… (DEEP VOICE EFFECT)
“THE UNICODE CONSORTIUM. THERE IS ONLY ONE CODE. THE UNICODE. AND YOU WILL ADHERE TO THE CODE. HAVE FUN.” ( LAUGHTER )
THE NEW EMOJIS ARE FOCUSED ON DIVERSITY, AND FOR THE FIRST
TIME EVER, THEY’VE ADDED GENDER NEUTRAL EMOJIS. WHICH WILL MAKE IT WAY EASIER TO
TEXT SOMEONE PHRASES LIKE “MY GRANDPA IS DEEPLY CONFUSED BY
THE NEW GENDER NEUTRAL EMOJIS.” ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS GREAT, BUT I JUST WANT TO GO ON RECORD TO
SAY, ALL EMOJIS ARE GENDER NEUTRAL. THEY DON’T SHOW ANY OF THE BITS
AND PIECES. EXCEPT THIS ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN A MAJOR SHAKEUP FOR COLLEGE SPORTS, FOR THE
FIRST TIME EVER, “THE N.C.A.A. WILL PERMIT ATHLETES TO BE
COMPENSATED FOR THEIR NAMES, IMAGES AND LIKENESSES.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH. HELL, YES!>>Jon: ABOUT TIME.>>Stephen: WHICH IS GREAT
NEWS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT DUKE’S STARTING POINT
GUARD, ANONYMOUS Q. PIXEL-FACE. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN MARITIME NEWS, A “WOMAN WHO STOOD ON A SHIP’S
RAILING FOR A SELFIE WAS BARRED FOR LIFE FROM A CRUISE LINE.” DO YOU KNOW HOW OUT OF CONTROL
YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET BANNED FROM A CRUISE? ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S A VACATION FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY ON THE NO-FLY LIST. ( LAUGHTER )
AND EVERYONE OUGHT TO KNOW BETTER BY NOW ANYWAY. THIS ISN’T THE FIRST TIME A
CRUISE PASSENGER HAS GOTTEN DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO THE RAILS. JIM?>>EXCUSE ME! PLEASE STEP BACK FROM THE
RAILING.>>I’M FLYING!>>GUYS? I’M SERIOUS. OKAY, THAT’S IT! THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST TRIP ON
THE “TITANIC.” YOU’RE GOING TO BE REALLY SORRY! ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: MEANWHILE — IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!>>Jon: IT WAS.>>STEPHEN: MEANWHILE,
“AMERICA’S PILE OF UNEATEN BACON IS THE BIGGEST IN 48 YEARS.” HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? AMERICA’S FAVORITE FOOD IS
“PILE.” ( LAUGHTER )
TELL YOU WHAT. JUST FRY IT ALL UP. SOMEBODY WILL EAT IT. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NANCY
PELOSI.

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About the Author: Oren Garnes

76 Comments

  1. Meanwhile AND "You Could Go On Forever With Bad Fast Food Slogans Me(a)t Historical Tragedies:

    It's Spanish Drink-iquistion Time At Moe's Southwest Grill

    &

    Arby's Bombs You With Gyro-Shima"

  2. Meanwhile AND "The Only Time When You Should Be Close To The Rails On A Cruoseline Is When You Have To Vomit"

  3. I was WONDERING why there was an ad from YouTube, right under the channel link for TLSWSC for buying the movie Titanic! 🤣🤣

  4. Meanwhile AND

    "US Has More Bacon Than It Can Handle — Say Hello To High Fruitcose Bacon Syrup That Will Be Injected In Every Procescessed Food & Beverage From This Point"

  5. Who tf even uses these 👧🧒🏼👵🏿👩🏽‍🦲 types of face-emojis??
    Emojis should convey emotions. 🤔

  6. Someone please tell Stephen Colbert's writers that gender is a construct, and that this construct was presented in the binary without gender neutral emojis. Also, the genitals not being shown is not relevant to the gender presentation of the emojis.

  7. 3:28

    That was a long time ago?

    You just made a joke about Bloody Sunday that happened 200 prior to the Titanic 2 minutes ago!

  8. Hey Stephen Colbert you are my second favourite talk show host who's name reminds me a of a type of cheese right after 'The Late show with Cheddar McHaloumi Von Feta'. I cant eat cheese though because it blocks me up real bad that I feel like a walking block of cheese and the only thing I can do to fix that is bounce on my boys D for about 3-5 seconds which is just about the time your writers took to steal Big Money Salvias material
    (_)(_)=====D~~~~~~

  9. Fantastic! Now 0.00000000000005% of the population won't be oppressed by optional cartoon expressions anymore. We did it, society!

  10. I hate the introductions to this segment. Stop it. They suck, they are not funny. They don't make sense. And it takes longer to get to the actual segment. I can't imagine having to watch your episodes on tv, not able to jump over your stupid intros

  11. Give it all to Donald, maybe he'll have a heart attack.
    Edit: The bacon.
    Edit2: Or the emojis, they'll probably give him higher blood pressure tbh.

  12. Kind of surprised Americans know Portugal exists.
    My experience online is that they never heard of it or that they think it's part of Spain.

  13. @2:20 so white people use atleet body to Photoshop on there face to enter ivy league university would be compensated now.

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