Honest Trailers – The Lord of the Rings


HONEST TRAILERS – THE LORD OF THE RINGS NARRATOR
From the director of the King Kong Universal Studios ride… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Comes a film adaptation of the overly dense, nerd bibles that employed an entire nation. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
When an evil vagine-eye awakens – its up to this Hobbit and this Fantasy Boy Band
to destroy it’s jewelry… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Prompting these unlikely heroes to embark on an 11-hour New Zealand Tourism
Commercial… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Rife with walking… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Roaming… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Hiking…. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
More walking… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And strolling. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Join our heroes as they face ruthless armies of Middle Earth NARRATOR (CONT’D)
All vying for the most powerful object in the world -the one ring to rule them all! NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Which does absolutely nothing, besides turn you into an invisible crack addict… BILBO
“Raaah!” NARRATOR
Behold a quest so long, these heroes will need to be… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Carried by horses… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Carried by orcs…. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Carried by trees… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Carried by eagles… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And carried by hobbits. SAMWISE
“I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you”. NARRATOR
Meet characters who’s names are so complicated, only a linguist could remember…
like: ELROND
“Gandolf” BILBO – O.S.
“Frodo!” FRODO – O.S.
“Bilbo!” GRIMA WORMTONGUE O.S.
“Sauron” FRODO
“Saruman” BOROMIR
“Arogorn” FRODO – O.S.
“Son of Arathorn” AROGORN
“Boromir” LONG HAIR MAN
“Faramir” THEODEN
“Eowyn” ELROND
“Arwen” ELROND
“Gimli Son of Gloin” ELROND
“Isildur” LEGOLAS
“Morgoth” GALADRIEL
“Galadriel” HALDIR
“Caras Galadhon” THEODEN
“Theodred” RED BEARD
“Grima Wormtongue” HALDIR
“Legolas, Son of Thranduil” FRODO
“Sam” NARRATOR
Featuring the award-winning visual effects team – that launched the career of one
man NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Who must now wear skintight spandex and face dots for the rest of his life… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Comes… A movie bursting with so much manly compassion… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
You’ll think you’re watching Brokeback Mount Doom… NARRATOR (CONT’D) A tale that will strive to prove that people
of all walks of life can work together… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
As long as they’re all white… Seriously even when they die, they come back whiter. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And an adventure where every lead character faces constant mortal danger – but
only Sean Bean dies… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Gee… haven’t seen that before… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Starring. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
A film that took so much of Peter Jackson’s life – he didn’t want it to end – NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Prompting FIVE completely separate endings… that go on and on forever… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Making it really hard to hold in your pee. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
A film with such fake emotional stakes – Gandalf will sacrifice himself for his friends,
only to somehow come back to life, making it not really a sacrifice… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And a story where the protagonists can’t win their own battles without convenient
Ghost Armies, Living Trees and Magic Eagles… PIPPEN
“The Eagles are coming!” NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Ughh, I can’t believe we’re only half way through this Peter Jackson nerdgasm. NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Happy Hanukkah Screen Junkies! Make sure to check out our trailer for Jewish Elf… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Oh and if you think I sound different, read the description below… NARRATOR (CONT’D)
And don’t forget to leave a comment with something you’d like to hear me say in my
epic voice.

You May Also Like

About the Author: Oren Garnes

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *