Death Is Big Business – The Jim Jefferies Show

Death Is Big Business – The Jim Jefferies Show


Tonight
we’re talking about death. Americans hate the topic. It makes them
super-uncomfortable. Even just asking the question,
“How do you think you’ll die?” immediately puts an end
to a blowjob. It — It upsets me,
and I just stop sucking. [ Laughter ] But in the end,
death comes for us all. And it’s not just a fact
of life. It’s big business. Funerals in the United States
are a $20-billion business, partly because
some funeral parlors can take advantage
of grieving families. Man: The average cost
of a modern burial runs from $10,000 to $12,000. Man: The funeral industry
has also been known to engage in predatory
business practices, like selling vulnerable families
add-ons and services that they don’t need. People in mourning
are in no mood to haggle. “Look, look. I understand you’re
going through a hard time. But what if I tell you
what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna throw in the leather
interior and the undercoating. I’ll even give you a cup holder.
[ Chuckles ] At, uh, at these prices, you should tellmesorry
formyloss.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Funerals are also bad for
the people who are still alive. Man: Formalin,
the formaldehyde-based preservative solution
embalmers use is incredibly toxic. OSHA deems it
a dangerous carcinogen. To embalm a typical body requires 3 pounds
of this formalin solution and sends 120 gallons
of untreated funeral waste directly into the sewage system. Why are we preserving
dead bodies? Open-casket funerals are creepy. Why would anyone want to see
a more [bleep]-able version of your grandma? As if you could make her
more [bleep]-able. She kept it plenty tight. And speaking of tight, sooner or later,
we’re going to run out of room. Man: Modern burials
are also incredibly wasteful. The average gravesite takes up 32 square feet of land
in a cemetery. The only thing
that takes up more space and is just as wasteful
as cemeteries — golf courses. Now, it would be great
if we could combine the two, but that would be ridiculous. [ Laughter ] Though, you could combine them
if it was mini-golf. “Okay. What you want to do is bank off
Grandpa’s headstone, through the
industrial-accident windmill, into the waiting mouth of
Uncle Terry for the easy par.” Space is already an issue at the revered
Arlington National Cemetery, which might start
making it harder to get in. Without any type of change
in eligibility and expansion, by 2041,
we’re gonna be out of room. We could restrict eligibility to those who perish
on active duty, Medal of Honor recipients,
and Valor Awards. So even being wounded
doesn’t guarantee you a spot. So Rambo’s not
getting into Arlington? That’s what you’re saying?!
Rambo?! Is this the America
you want to live in?! [ Cheers and applause ] If a place like Arlington
is having trouble, why even have cemeteries? The only thing they’re good for
is giving teenagers who are “going through a phase” a place to smoke and get under
the shirt and over the bra. [Meekly]
“I…I don’t know. I-I just feel like I’m at home
in graveyards. [ Chuckles softly ] I guess that makes me
pretty weird, huh?” [ Laughter ] It’s true that burial after
death is becoming less popular. Only 43.5% are going that route
while 50.2% choose cremation. And the other remaining 6.3%? Their bodies
will never be found. [ Laughter ] Trust me. [ Laughter ] We need better options
beyond burial and cremation. Death would be so much better if the body simply left
no trace. But is that even possible? Man: Swedish scientists
asked that same question and developed something
called “promession.” It’s a process where you freeze
a corpse in liquid nitrogen, rapidly vibrate the body
so it breaks into millions of tiny particles
in just a few minutes, then freeze-dry the particles
and remove the harmful metals left over from
your dental fillings. You’re left with a fine dust. Now, that’s a good plan! It’s also the origin story of the lesser-known Marvel
superhero Swedish Dust Man. After an IKEA dresser
crushed his parents, he was frozen
with liquid nitrogen. Now with a little help
from his sidekick, Allen Key, his dust particles
are ready to [bleep] shit up Stockholm style! When I go, I want to be useful. Use every part of me.
Harvest my organs. Sell my teeth to someone else.
They’re not even mine. My — My scrotum would make
a lovely baby’s hat. Turn my forearms
into spatulas. Practical, kitschy. And every time
my son flips a burger, he’ll think of me. Because I’m also the burger. Nobody needs to be
remembered forever. What’s the point of a monument
or a gravestone? Maybe someone remembers you
for a generation or two at best. But after that, it’s just
a thing for kids to kick around whilst making fun of your name. “Ha-ha-ha-Ha-ha! Dick Butts!” But if your ego is so big and you just have to
leave something behind, get something smaller
and cheaper like a bobblehead. It’ll look like you. Your body can do
different activities. Maybe you like tennis.
I don’t know you. And just think
how your family will feel when they visit
your final resting place. Ahh… On a windy day,
it can be very emotional.

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About the Author: Oren Garnes

100 Comments

  1. Use deadbodies for composting, as a fertilizer for growing crops.. decaying human bodies are the most nutritious for plants..

  2. seems your missing the clergy. and all those religion subsidies to places like this have stopped. they are on there own. right, Jeff…

  3. Gotta blame the opportunists who embalmed and toured Abraham Lincoln across the US. Embalming became all the rage afterwards.

  4. I lost it after β€œat these prices you should tell me sorry for my loss” πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  5. Death of Trumpanzees will be a big business when they all end their lives after Trump loses. I say we forgo the economic benefit of their funerals and dump them all in a hole.

  6. Jim your such a cunt ….. And we all love a good cunt what a legend absolutely hilarious dude never stop been you.

  7. Jim your such a cunt ….. And we all love a good cunt what a legend absolutely hilarious dude never stop been you.

  8. Jim your such a cunt ….. And we all love a good cunt what a legend absolutely hilarious dude never stop been you.

  9. There are other deep dives into the funeral industry that go into even more detail on how they screw you over. The biggest one I heard was that you don't ACTUALLY have to embalm anyone. They keep just fine in the chillers until the funeral.

  10. I'm so happy he did this segment. I've been trying to tell my family this but people keep getting embalmed & tossed in expensive caskets & plots of concrete. Its gross!

  11. If it was up to me, I'd have my great-grandfathers skull sitting on my shelf to remember him, rather than him being buried in another country.

  12. I don't care what happens to my body when I die. You know why not? Because I'll be fucking dead, that's why not.

  13. Hey now. My mom is one of the money sucking vultures that work at graveyard selling grieving vulnerable families head stones and add ons.

  14. Trust me. I also worked at a cemetery for a bit. They dont use that much space. Once while I was literally digging some ones grave, caskets were peeking out at me through on four sides. And yes I know its a vault not a casket and the casket is inside.

  15. Also did you know that the cripts in the mausoleums leak. They leak people juice. Theres a dude whos job is to clean up dead people juice. Its fucked up

  16. Alkaline Hydrolysis is a more eco friendly and more power efficient way of cremation. It uses a pressure chamber an alkaline water slurry to break down all the soft tissue and bones and what's left is safely flushed and the bone fragments are put into a pummeler that reduces you into the ashes. It has a smaller carbon foot print and only uses 24hrs of water your average person would use and all the dental fillings and implants are collected so your not releasing anything toxic into the environment.

  17. or burry the food the dead person planned to eat next month. Add some beverages too. We are what we eat and drink

  18. George Carlin also spoke of cemeteries wasting perfectly good space. Then he took action by requesting his dead body be cremated.

  19. I have this great business model:

    A Forest Cemetery!

    Stick'em in a burlap sack treated with fungal spores & then dumped in a hole as tree food. Then… Imagine visiting your loved one's tree!

    How cool to know that it's being nourished by your loved one!

  20. Dude said his scrotum would make a nice baby hatπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  21. Even when we're dead all they care about is a piece of paper. Fuck humans and Fuck everyone who relies on money. Going nowhere as a species and we don't even care.

  22. The Pope Isn't into cremation. https://www.cnn.com/2016/10/25/europe/cremation-vatican-scattering/index.html

  23. I had a funeral director who attempted to shame me into buying a more expensive casket, when I was ready to have it ordered from a company and delivered there. They said they would not receive it. Then the director told me that if it were for him, he'd probably not mind the cheaper casket… in a voice th at was meant to play with my feelings as though I was putting my father away in a cheap casket. I wanted it to match his true Army green uniform. That's the casket he wanted.

  24. I was told it was regulation to use embalming, and that they could not handle the body without prepping it and embalming. I told them they were full of shit.. Then they told me that their appearance wouldn't be presentable.. Hell.. they're dead!! Of course their appearance is going to suck no matter how much makeup..

  25. Man the writers on this show are so good. I'd venture to say they write better jokes than John Oliver's Last Week Tonight.

  26. For further information, I highly suggest the videos over at Ask A Mortician. The channel provides an entertaining and enlightening look into the funeral and death industry — the good, the bad, and the freaky, freaky ugly.

  27. Isn’t embalming not needed even for open caskets? As long as you do it within a week, don’t freezers work?

  28. "…wrap you up in bloody sheet and bury you six feet deep, They eat your eyes. then they eat your nose. they like to eat the jelly between your toes. The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out…"

  29. I think the burials are the way to go.
    I think unmarked or unflashy graves are the way to go in far away areas on
    let nature take it cource and decompose us.
    I can think of donating my organs but I think I'll mess them up before my death

  30. My dad wanted to be cremated but my uncle wouldn't allow it so their mom could be buried next to him. The cheapest funeral in Chicago was 30k that we paid. Because not only do you need a casket. You have to have a bigger concrete casket to put your wooden casket in. Then we picked out his grave stone a year ago for $5,500 and this year they said it was ready but they upgraded it to a huge stone for 4 people and tried charging us $10,000. My brother and I told them to fuck off. Now a year and a half later my dad has no grave marker. It's all a scam. Just put my body in a mushroom suit and put me in tune ground in a nice green valley in the mountains and eat the mushrooms for me. Also the area my dad's buried 30 years ago a site was only $250-300. Today they are now over $3,000-5000 a site.

  31. There's a funerary service that plants you in the ground in a cocoon of all natural fibres with a tree seed nestled in with you. No chemicals or preservatives, and you become part of something useful, with no trace left. Except a tree, and we can all agree that with the planet's lungs, the Amazon burning to the ground, we could use a few more of those.

  32. i want to be buried face down in a shallow grave un-embalmed …maybe with a sign that says i am so that my ass can be kissed by anyone reading said sign …..and plant a good tree there too like a sequoia

  33. When my parents pass I'll be on the phone with the nearest zoo, selling them a couple of hundred pounds of cheap meat.

  34. My grandmother died last year in her late eighties. She donated her body to science because she was a badass.

    What an awesome woman.

  35. The profit incentives of capitalism create EXTREME disparities in our country. This 'winner take all' system is flailing away as the relative few who benefit promote the illiusion of opportunity and prosperity for all. Of course the ruling class wants you to believe that socialism doesnt work!. As they own the majority of all asests in our oligarghy they want it all! And it sure seems like the only ones that are against socialism are the privileged who had everything handed them (see trump).. In unregulated crony capitalism the ruling class have always pitted the middle class against the poor while fleecing both for generations. Concerned citizens armed with the facts are not fooled. Instead, the more they learn the angier they get. And as in revolutions of the past, discontent leads to change. Next you'll want tax payers to pay for roads, schools, police, safety regulations, and a standing army. Before you know it, we'll be paying somewhat more in taxes and have to suffer with standards of education, life expectancy, happiness, and heathiness that might begin to compare with countries in Western Europe….. Damn socialists!

  36. Humans so overvalue them selves, because of $$ mostly! YOU AINT SHIT HUMAN FILTH! CULL MOTHER NATURE! CULL THE HUMANS BY THE BILLIONS!

  37. Yes, capitalizing on people during their most vulnerable time, after losing a loved one is horrible. But holding up the living for funeral processions is the fucking worst. I happen to work near two huge catholic cemeteries, and I cannot count the times that a rolling funeral procession has made me late for work. Why does traffic need to yield to the rolling death procession? On a side note: anyone driving alone (i.e. no other passenger in their car), during a funeral procession should be forced to swallow a gallon of the deceased's formaldehyde.

  38. In Washington, there are three alternatives to regular burial or cremation. One is green burial where your body is put into the ground with no box or anything so you can decompose. You can also be buried at sea here. Now there's a third one. You can actually turn into compost. It's happening now in Washington State. It's legal. It's called Recompose here. I left out: donating your body to medicine.

  39. You can compress your loved ones' remains into high quality diamonds for mere tens of thousands of dollars πŸ™‚ Future bling: here's my pervy hair-sniffing uncle Joe, etc.

  40. Jim you should really go back to stand up. Having to work with all those gay writers that put out this lame content for you is really hurting your good, funny neanderthal image.

  41. I paid about $650 for my late husband to be cremated in Bellevue, WA. No frills, no bells, no whistles. That is what he wanted.

  42. Honestly if I die I want 1 of 3 things done with my remains
    1 I want my body to be donated to a medical school
    2 I want all my organs donated if they are off appropriate quality
    3 I want my body dumped into the wilderness and have raccoons fight over my rotting flesh.

    Also I'm pro cannabilism so yall can feed me to homeless people or something

  43. If you spend a lot of money on a casket, you're a moron. It's going in the ground and being covered with dirt to rot. Might as well just set your money on fire.
    Plus, it's not eco friendly. Better to be cremated.

  44. Well, I would like to be buried in the ground and have a tree planted above me. Circle of life :). Wonder if you thought of that one Jim. Either way, I think all of your ramblings are hilarious.

  45. throw me in the fucking trash so I can rest in peace knowing that I'm not the root cause of my descendents becoming homeless. scavenging on the mourning is shameful, shame shame shame

  46. Holy fuck. When my grandma died, I took a cheap flight to Hawaii, and let her ashes blow into the wind on top of a mountain. Cost a few hundred, and I thought that was bad… I can't imagine paying 10k to just bury a body.

  47. There's an "old" saying
    Life's a bitch. Then you die.
    I've never been able to figure out if the latter is just piling one bad thing on top of another, or if it's a sweet release from the former.

  48. I haven’t heard a good bobble head joke in a while, and definitely never one about death. That was delightful.

  49. You know when you die and your ashes are scattered most of you will return as a maggot or an ant which will be painfully eaten alive by a spider, right? Just think about it.
    Oh right, but if you believe in 'god' your 'soul' that somehow reacquires all your memories and thoughts (even if you died with dementia) will ascend to 'heaven' where you spend eternity worshipping an unquestionable tyrant. How 'blissful.'

  50. Reminder to all that Jim bragged about drugging and raping an underage girl on the radio for laughs. He, and his show account, blocked me on Twitter for bringing it up. Look it up.

  51. I'm donating my old worn out bod to university since I have an extremely rare disease that only 1 other person that I know of had & that was JFK!
    I also have several autoimmune diseases that have no cure. So hopefully they can dig around in me & do a lil research & get some answers.
    Then when they're done they'll cremate me for free & give my ashes to my daughter to mix w/ my hubby's ashes.
    I don't believe in ground burial & I sure as hell don't believe in spending $10K+ on a damned funeral!
    If ur gonna spend that kind of $ spend it on a big bl[w out party in my honor! Just make sure someone brings plenty of primo weed & tanguaray!
    Party time! πŸŽ‰πŸ’ƒπŸŽŠ

  52. The illustration for 32 sqft is wrong, it’s actually showing the volume (3D) not the 2D footprint. #engineerproblems

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