There are many great reasons to visit Japan. I had three trillion of them. In Japan, the first thing that comes up if you Google “Conan,” is an anime character named Detective Conan. He’s a man who’s trapped in a child’s body. Hello, Conan! And this really blew my mind. They have a city called Conan Town. Clearly, someone’s been making a ton of money off the Asian version of me for 24 years. So the other night, I reasonably asked Japan to pay me three trillion yen. Next week, I am flying to Japan and coming to Conan Town to collect my money! I’ll be there! I landed in Tokyo and almost immediately felt out of place. Luckily, I found someone who would help me fit in. I’m here at a company called Japanese Lunch. They teach etiquette, language, culture. This is Miss–
Hirayama. You are going to help teach me. Yes. How to be very polite and proper while I’m in Japan, yes? Okay.
Konnichiwa. Yes, yeah, yeah.
I just met you. Yes, what’s the matter, what did I do? You push me.
I pushed you? I didn’t push you. Was I too close to you?
Yes, yes. Japanese people just bow.
Bow and no touch. Then–
No shake hands. Yeah, this distance is very comfortable. I am a hugger, I like to hug, is that bad in– No.
I’m a hugger. No, I am not your girlfriend. You’re not my girlfriend. Mhm.
No? I hug, I mean, we can talk about that later. Yeah, you are not my type. Why am I not your type, what’s wrong? Face. Face? What’s wrong with my face? I like… Beard.
Just anyone else? Anyone else is what you’re saying? Anyone else here.
Keep the distance. So you keep your distance. Alright, so not too close.
Mhm. Bow from the waist.
Then– Have a different face completely. Clearly an ugly nonstarter. You have a business card? Well, you show me yours. Ah.
Not ah. What, did I just ah? I just went ah, meaning, “Yeah, ah, I see.” What, what’s wrong with ah? Rude, sounds rude, ah.
Okay, alright. You have a name card? I have card, yes.
Yes. Do you want to see my card?
Yes. There it is, that gets the attention. What’s wrong with that, you like that? Your eyes, your eyes, I don’t like your eyes. You don’t like my eyes?
Yes. In America, you don’t tell people your face is ugly, and I don’t like your eyes. I don’t say ugly.
You said not my type. Not my type, yes.
Yeah, okay. But you keep saying that, you’ve said it many times. Just, ah, too close, too close, respect my space. Do I need to bring a gift when I enter a home? Do I bring a gift?
Yes, yes, yes. Is it rude to give money? Cheap.
Cheap, so not money. Not money.
Not money. No, thank you. Did you want the belt, do you want the belt? No. Watch, could I give you my watch? Yes! It’s a nice watch.
Yes, yes, yes, please. Yes, yeah, okay. Unbelievable. Oh, now you hug, right? Thank you.
Okay. I’m getting that back once we’re done shooting. What kind of Japanese do you know now? Now?
Mhm. I know there’s different kinds of sushi. Just a moment please. Weida-San, she’s my assistant. Oh.
Weida-San. Where was she, you were just hiding in the corner? Yes.
Oh. Did you hear everything that she said about my face? Yes. Do you agree with her about my face? No, very handsome, I think. Oh, well, hello. If a man sees an attractive woman in Japan, can I go? Do you like that? This is my first to see a human being make those kind of– You haven’t seen a human being make those noises before? So you want to know ordering food– Yes.
Or greetings? Excuse me, where did Weida go? Hm?
Where’s Weida? Where did she go, Weida? What are you doing, why do you keep going? What are you, you’re like a person in a cuckoo clock. Oh please, you may go back. Yeah, back to your corner please. When you need me.
Yes. I, yes. You’ll just magically appear. So she’s right there, but we can’t see her, but she’s around the corner. If you need, please call her. Yeah, well, she’ll probably get here pretty quickly because she’s right behind that wall. I see her, I can see your hands. Yeah. Would you like gum?
No, no, very rude. What’s rude about gum, what’s the problem with gum? No. Weida-San. Chewing gum, yes, is really– Rude. What’s the problem with it? It’s disrespectful. See, you are impolite, and you don’t respect others. Please, stop. How many piece of gum?
Yes. I eat a lot of gum. Please.
Hm? You want me to swallow this? I would die if I swallowed this. Where do I put? Where do I? Is it okay if I put this under the table? No, you don’t do that here? Do you think I will be accepted here in Japan? Why can’t you just, why are you like this? She does not think I will be accepted by many people in Japan.
Ooh. Now, do you think I will be popular with the Japanese women?
Yes, yes. Am I considered attractive, do you think, to Japanese, why are you laughing at my question? Why are you saying no? That’s terrible, let her answer. If you keep the distance, then– If you don’t shout. But I am a very expressive person, I move. I jump, this is who I am, and you’re asking me to deny who I am as a person and not be myself. These are the things I do. I move, and I’m someone who– Long legs.
What’s that? Long.
Do you like that? Yeah. You like that I have long legs? Ooh! Nice! I like tall person.
So this is the part you like?
Yes. But this part, rest go away? I’ve been here just a few hours, and you’re the first person I’ve met in Japan. Hug. Okay, you interested, you want a little of this over here? Huh?
Yeah, you need exercise. What did you say to me, say it again, what’d you just say? You need exercise. I exercise all the time! What do you mean I need exercise? What? What do you think? Very fluffy. But I think I’m thought of as very lean in America. In America, I’m lean. Please, sit, sit here, yeah. And you know where I’m gonna go? I’m gonna go here.
Hide! Right here, fatty’s gonna be back here.