A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar … | Maz Jobrani

A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar … | Maz Jobrani


Translator: Joseph Geni
Reviewer: Morton Bast Hello, Doha. Hello! Salaam alaikum. I love coming to Doha.
It’s such an international place. It feels like the United Nations here. You land at the airport,
and you’re welcomed by an Indian lady who takes you to Al Maha Services,
where you meet a Filipino lady who hands you off to a South African lady who then takes you to a Korean who takes you to a Pakistani guy
with the luggage who takes you to the car
with a Sri Lankan. You go to the hotel and you check in.
There’s a Lebanese. Yeah? And then a Swedish guy
showed me my room. I said, “Where are the Qataris?” (Laughter) (Applause) They said, “No, no, it’s too hot.
They come out later. They’re smart.” “They know.” (Laughter) And of course, it’s growing so fast,
sometimes there’s growing pains. You know, like sometimes
you run into people that you think know the city well,
but they don’t know it that well. My Indian cab driver showed up at the W, and I asked him to take me
to the Sheraton, and he said, “No problem, sir.” And then we sat there for two minutes. I said, “What’s wrong?”
He said, “One problem, sir.” (Laughter) I said, “What?” He goes, “Where is it?” (Laughter) I go, “You’re the driver,
you should know.” He goes, “No, I just arrived, sir.” I go, “You just arrived at the W?”
“No, I just arrived in Doha, sir.” (Laughter) “I was on my way home from the airport, I got a job. I’m working already.” (Laughter) He goes, “Sir, why don’t you drive?” (Laughter) “I don’t know where we’re going.” “Neither do I. It will be
an adventure, sir.” (Laughter) The Middle East has been
an adventure the past couple of years. It is going crazy with the Arab Spring
and revolution and all this. Are there any Lebanese
here tonight, by applause? (Cheering) Lebanese, yeah. The Middle East is going crazy. You know the Middle East is going crazy when Lebanon is the most peaceful
place in the region. (Laughter) (Applause) Who would have thought? (Laughter) Oh my gosh. No, there’s serious issues in the region. Some people don’t want to talk about them.
I’m here to talk about them tonight. Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,
here’s a serious issue. When we see each other, when we say hello, how many kisses are we going to do? (Laughter) Every country is different
and it’s confusing, okay? In Lebanon, they do three. In Egypt, they do two. I was in Lebanon, I got used to three. I went to Egypt. I went to say hello
to this one Egyptian guy, I went, one, two. I went for three — He wasn’t into it. (Laughter) I told him, I said, “No, no,
I was just in Lebanon.” He goes, “I don’t care where you were.
You just stay where you are, please.” (Laughter) (Applause) I went to Saudi Arabia. In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,
and then they stay on the same side: three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 — (Laughter) Next time you see a Saudi, look closely. They’re just a little bit tilted. (Laughter) “Abdul, are you okay?” “I was saying hello
for half an hour. I’ll be all right.” (Laughter) Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose. Why is that? Are you too tired
to go all the way around? (Laughter) “Habibi, it’s so hot. Just come here
for a second. Say hello. Hello, Habibi. Just don’t move.
Just stay there, please. I need to rest.” (Laughter) Iranians, sometimes we do two,
sometimes we do three. A friend of mine explained to me,
before the ’79 revolution, it was two. (Laughter) After the revolution, three. So with Iranians, you can tell
whose side the person is on based on the number
of kisses they give you. Yeah, if you go one, two, three —
“I can’t believe you support this regime!” (Laughter) “With your three kisses.” (Laughter) But no, guys, really,
it is exciting to be here, and like I said, you guys
are doing a lot culturally, you know, and it’s amazing, and it helps change the image
of the Middle East in the West. A lot of Americans don’t know
a lot about us, about the Middle East. I’m Iranian and American. I’m there.
I know, I’ve traveled here. There’s so much, we laugh, right? People don’t know we laugh. When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,
it came out on Comedy Central, I went online to see
what people were saying. I ended up on a conservative website. One guy wrote another guy. He said,
“I never knew these people laughed.” Think about it. You never see us laughing
in American film or television, right? Maybe like an evil laugh: “Wuhahaha.” (Laughter) “I will kill you in the name
of Allah, wuhahahahaha.” (Laughter) But never like, “Ha ha ha ha la.” (Laughter) We like to laugh.
We like to celebrate life. And I wish more Americans
would travel here. I always encourage my friends: “Travel, see the Middle East, there’s so much to see,
so many good people.” And it’s vice versa,
and it helps stop problems of misunderstanding
and stereotypes from happening. For example, I don’t know
if you heard about this, a little while ago in the US,
there was a Muslim family walking down the aisle of an airplane, talking about the safest place
to sit on the plane. Some passengers overheard them, somehow misconstrued that
as terrorist talk, got them kicked off the plane. It was a family, a mother, father, child,
talking about the seating. As a Middle Eastern male, I know there’s certain things
I’m not supposed to say on an airplane in the US, right? I’m not supposed to be
walking down the aisle, and be like, “Hi, Jack.” That’s not cool. (Laughter) Even if I’m there with my friend
named Jack, I say, “Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack.” Never “Hi, Jack.” (Laughter) But now, apparently we can’t even talk about the safest place
to sit on an airplane. So my advice to all my Middle Eastern
friends and Muslim friends and anyone who looks
Middle Eastern or Muslim, so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos,
everyone, if you’re brown — (Laughter) Here’s my advice to my brown friends. (Laughter) The next time you’re
on an airplane in the US, just speak your mother tongue. That way no one knows
what you’re saying. Life goes on. (Laughter) Granted, some mother tongues
might sound a little threatening to the average American. If you’re walking
down the aisle speaking Arabic, you might freak them out — (Imitating Arabic) They might say, “What’s he talking about?” The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters, is to throw in random
good words to put people at ease as you’re walking down the aisle. Just as you’re walking down — (Imitating Arabic) Strawberry! (Laughter) (Imitating Arabic) Rainbow! (Laughter) (Imitating Arabic) Tutti Frutti! (Laughter) “I think he’s going to hijack
the plane with some ice cream.” Thank you very much. Have a good night. Thank you, TED. (Cheers) (Applause)

You May Also Like

About the Author: Oren Garnes

100 Comments

  1. Im sorry for the disrespectful lefty loonie LIBERALS that have become so sensitive. Just speak in English it wont hurt. UR good.

  2. "LAUGHTER IS THE VERY BEST MEDICNE "     !!!!GREAT STUFF  !!!LOVED IT  MR MAZ JOBRANI .KEEP GOING  !!!FROM (U.K.)

  3. Seen him before, like him. Respectfully, this is being presented…in English. Can I press 2, no wait, default should be Spanish and English somewhere down the line. Just sayin'

  4. I never stopped to think about it but that was good stuff. I was in Saudi, during the war no less, but I saw how friendly they can be.

  5. Beautiful comedian beautiful Act .
    I hope it teaches the world that most human beings are very much alike and we don't want to harm each other Rob each other lie to each other or harm each other in any way and we don't want to change each other's religions or condemn them or criticize them we can agree to disagree and so we can live together in peace and happiness and share Joy and love for this world that we've been blessed to be given the chance to live on at the end of the day when truth is told we're all just human beings of the same species living on the same piece of land but unfortunately the world is too many small minds to see like thatwhen you earn one human being from any race of people you arm all human beings because you armed a human being raceand to be a human being means that you come of different colors different cultures and different religions but you're still just a human being that's the first label you get the day you are born on this planet

  6. Things not to say on a plane is the same when you are White. Don't joke about bombs, don't say "hi Jack," don't threaten anyone in any way. And whatever you do, don't say you approve of President Trump or anything like that, if you want a hassle-free flight.

  7. I urgently need some Indians here with mouth full of slangs …… is there anyone ????? Ao ma chode takle ki

  8. Pfft lame
    Im not offended or amused… Just another try hard east indian trying to be famous. Why is this suggested???

  9. “Hi Jack!”😂😂😂
    I know I shouldn’t be laughing but I’m dead😂😂😂😂😂

  10. Ahh I missed my chance of going to Lebanon this yr with a bunch of family due to medical reasons 🙁 I love the Middle East!

  11. How are you going to talk about finding "the safest place to sit" on a plane when your seats are already chosen

  12. Maz… Lots of love from India…
    You are very funny, nice jokes…
    I am laughing & laughing & laughing…
    Akhla- makhlailai… Tooti-frooty…

  13. The day Saudi and Iran join hands and put the imported american hatred BTW them..middle east will be peace in all its borders…Saudis should know despite Iran been shia country they are our Muslims brothers their strength is our strength and their weakness is ours…Saudi Royal family should understands the majority of Muslim ummma all over the world support Iran against the enemies of Muslim umma whose goals is to eliminate any power that oppose is their self interest and looting resources for Muslim umma through puppet kings and military men.who suffocate their citizen with indignity and slavery.

  14. Good talk, but the best debate in the world today is the debate between Christian Prince against his challenger on YouTube. CP alone challenged approximately 1.6 billion of the world's Muslims, and no Muslim has been able to defeat CP. Why is the CP debate on YouTube the best?
    1. Based on the truth and facts displayed on the monitor screen.
    2. Based on honesty not lies, not Taqiya
    3. Very deep, and very critical.
    4. Very useful to increase knowledge in terms of Judaism, Islam and Christianity, and English and Arabic.
    Please try, you must be addicted to the CP debates on YouTube. I am not Muslim, not Christian, but agnostic, and I am very grateful to CP for sharing his knowledge about Islam. FYI,
    CP continues to invite Dr. Zakir Naik to debate, but has never been served, perhaps Zakir Naik is afraid of being less intelligent in terms of Islam. We are waiting for an immediate debate between them so that the world will be more intelligent about Islam.

  15. What he says is so true. We are all the same. Different religions, different languages but same lives. If we talked to each other we’d know it.

  16. Trump hates Socialism is at its core an economic philosophy, whereas Trump Embrasses Communism is economic and political in its requirement that government be the central owner and decision maker in all matters. Communism rejects any religion and in a true Communist state religion is effectively abolished

  17. Should we through random nice words the westerns are the ones paranoid and was this a ted talk or a stand up Comedy

  18. Most of Indians are Hindus, although Indians are brown, and there are Muslim Indians too, just as much as Muslim Americans or Muslim Europeans.

  19. Mike Pence walks into a bar and orders a soda. The bartender turns around and cracks Pence right between the eyes with a fifth of Morgan David and says. " Mike Pence walks into a bar…….."

  20. Yeah sure, Qatar were Indians died/dying because of stadium buildings for the next World Cup Soccer in 2022. How laughable!🤨
    Qatar is just like other muslim countries, A SHITHOLE!

  21. Thanx for the advice thought iam sikh but when I went to america one crazy guy jumped out of no where. Just to shout at me saying iam a Muslim and a terrorist. I ignored but felt really sorry for the Muslim living among those crazy people. Now iam going to speak punjabi. Although I was talking in punjabi and one persian guy knew punjabi sad life he replied to me in english.😂

  22. 1:48…..yes but whats really funny is we beheaded 30 people this morning because we didn't like the way they were dressed, listening to gay music, letting their wife speak back to them and actually walk side by side in public……..

  23. What ???
    Dislikes of this page ?
    What are you ?
    Who are you ?
    To me it's an eye opener to all race … Who wants to explore …

  24. Lebanese are thieves . Go to Saudi in Riyadh city… go to abdulaziz road and see the restaurant name dayetna. The owner of that restaurant is a Saudian but that owner is so stupid because the manager and operation manager are Lebanese and everyday is they are stealing from the owner

  25. A gay Muslim from Kenya, says he was born in a Hawaii Hospital that was not there when he was born, married to Crossdresser rents two kids, seals his records, the chair at supposedly his Law school says he never heard of him,
    The fakemedia covers for him and he funds people that swear to kill us $1.7 billion to nuclear weapons and then he spends more money than all other Presidents combined and some voters buy it! Now that is a stand up comedy. GlennFHoward

  26. Great event. Enjoy and lough are good medicine. A good Practicinener knows his limit and he also within limit.

  27. … and the Saudi asks the Indian " where are the russian prostitutes ? do you want getting your passport back one day or not ? " to which the Indian answers " they will be here any minutu sir " but the Iranian interrupts " not this time. the human trafficking gang in Teheran got cought last week "

  28. In America AOC makes headlines because she is loud and controversial. However does she speak for most Americans, probably not. Same situation in all countries.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *